day145 - pattern recognition and knowing when to let go
when the same bad things keep happening, you start to take notice of all the events preceding and perhaps precipitating them. the words people say, the things they do or don't do, everything becomes a part of a sprawling paranoid fantasy wherein your worst nightmares come true— and only you, by design, will notice it.
i've spent the better part of three years Doing The Work so that my traumatised mouse-brain has a harder time getting the better of me. then, as soon as it felt like my sense of security was restored, i was blindsided yet again by the Dreaded Outcome. I had kept telling myself it wouldn't arrive, and suddenly it had.
because of that, for the last few months I've been feeling shakier than usual. waiting a bit longer to leave my toothbrush at her house out of strange superstition. feeling more fragile than i have, maybe ever. smaller. not letting myself accept reassurance in case it's all secretly hollow.
but it's lonely being so guarded. it's scary to truly entertain the thought of losing the people who mean the most to you. so you try to break the pattern, or force yourself not to listen. just because it went that way before, doesn't mean it will again.
i have two wonderful people in my life who love me very deeply. i have a lot to lose, and I can't waste time jumping at shadows. my future is on the horizon and i can't help being afraid. whatever happens, i will believe that this time, things will work out. i have the evidence, the trust, and the love to carry me through.
sweet dreams dear luci 💜